Blurring the lines between the living and the dead, this project was a way to decode my minute emotional gestures around the dissonance between absence and presence, while I desperately longed for the presence of the people I have loved and lost. The project seeks to illuminate the transformative power of love and death and shed light on the haunting allure of unrequited love and grief.
Fukun (Conversations, Love, Courage, Freedom)
Ananya Gautam (M.Des Photography Design, National Institute of Design, Gandhinagar)
(Conversations, Writing, Moral support, Critical review, Ethical review)
Garance Paule (M.Res Fine Art, Royal College of Art, London)
(Cinematogrpahy, Performance, Conversations)
Vijay Sarathy (Visual Artist and Photographer, India)
(Conceptualisation, Mentoring, Critical Review, Book Publishing Guidance)
Theo Leonowicz (M,.A Photogrpahy, Royal College of Art, London)
(Photography, Conversations, Ideation, Critical Review, Moral Support)
Ritu Pandey (M.A Visual Communication, Royal College of Art, London)
(Book Design, Writing, Visual Research)
Leesha Chaurasia (M.A Interior Design, Royal College of Art, London)
(Exhibition Space Design in White City Campus, Visual Research)
Vivek Jangid (M.A Visual Communication, Royal College of Art, London)
(Exhibition Space Ideation, Interview Video Documentation, Title Calligraphy)
A thank you note from the bottom of my heart.
The project wouldn’t have been possible without the presence of these two beautiful souls in my life. Thank you, Ananya and Fukun, for making me feel the very essence of love, loss, and longing at a depth I had never felt before. Your presence and absence have made me reflect deeply on my emotions and purpose in life, thereby leading to a deeper understanding of my insecurities and strengths.
Thank you, London, for embracing me like a mother and keeping me healthy throughout the year with your food, water and air. Thank you, Subha bhai, Partha Bhai, and Bapi bhai, for guiding me like my elder brothers and making me feel at home in London. Thank you, Bill and Charis, for making me feel at home in Gradpad.
Thank you, Shubhika, Priyanjita, Anshul, Ayon, Aman, Kunal, Bharat, Wree, Kuthum, Purohit, Soumyajit, Ritu, Leesha, Richa, Theo, Garance, Amir, Vivek, Donna, Irushi, Vicky, Pharez, Suwen, Yigo, Ting, Tony, Amelia, Ria, Marija, Santra, Chetan, Shahwali, Olesea, Suheda, Evelina, Soma Mam, Sampreet, Gandhi Bhai, Twinkle Didi, Debasish, Debashish bhai, Sumon bhai, Saunak, Ankur, Dipti, Katyayani, Maheshwari, Megha, Aparna, Arun, Archie, Medha, Utkarsh, Adarsh and many more who contributed to my project, with their valuable time.
Thank you to everyone who took the time to share intimate and sensitive stories of your lives. All the conversations, chats, video calls, and voice notes testify to your love and trust. Thank you for signing the consent forms and sending them to me when I needed them during the ethical review of my project. The project would not have been possible without you people. Lots of love.
The list is very long, and I apologise for missing someone. Pardon me.
I am grateful for my conversations with therapists, psychologists and psychotherapists who helped me understand the deep-rooted fears and abandonment issues and helped me in my healing journey. Thank you, Professor Del Loewenthal for your valuable time and your insights. Thank you, Dr. Maria Vasudevan, for bringing your healing energy into my life. I learned about attachment patterns, inner child work, hypnotherapy, past life regression therapy, and many other techniques.
Thank you, Shilpa, Biju, Shrinkhala, and Hitesh, for checking on me when you felt something was wrong. A long hug to Hitesh for allowing me to leave NID without guilt. That hour-long conversation in your room after the Jury was deeply moving and motivating. Thank you, respected director of NID, Mr Praveen Nahar, for not questioning me about my decision to drop out of NID, encouraging me to check out for scholarships and helping me connect with London-based NID alums.Thank you, Prof. Jignesh, for your honest opinions about RCA pedagogy, scholarships and life in London.
Immense love and gratitude to my tutor, Lena Dobrowolska, for watering the roots of my project. That hour-long conversation in the White City Campus was life-changing when you went through my photography works and listened to my story. After that, the email you sent me was enough for me to pick this idea and work on it. I can’t thank you enough for it. To quote your words from the email, “…there is a very gentle and kind energy about you, which the world could do with right now. Your ideas are very thoughtful and meaningful, and you should be more confident about pursuing them. Sometimes, we can only find out what’s right for us by trying things!” I wish such teachers for everyone. Words are powerful. We underestimate the amount of impact they can have on someone.
The project has deep roots in the therapeutic nature of photography, and my tutor Lena once told me, “Photographs don’t exist on screens.” One day, while discussing photography and prints with Ananya, she told me how her professor, Prof. Rishi Singhal, tells them to “Print like a king.” I can safely say I printed like a king in RCA. The RCA print labs were my temple of knowledge and ecstasy the whole year. Thank you, Fiona, Alba, Sunny, Josephine, and Constantina. I can’t thank you enough for your timely help and guidance with the prints the whole year. The tangible feeling of holding printed photographs on various kinds of papers, metals and silver vinyl sheets was unparalleled.
A special mention goes to Vijay Sarathy, who gave me the courage to start this project. From the initial mentoring sessions, where you asked me to dive deep into my photo archives, to the final sessions, where you shared references of book publishers I should connect with, your thoughtful presence at every step helped me feel courageous to dive into the vulnerable side of me. Your suggestion to revisit Baripada, where I spent my childhood days with my brother, to photograph the spaces really moved me. I have yet to go for it, but it’s on my list. Your mentoring sessions were profoundly thoughtful, and I got a new direction for the project. Thank you for the hour-long conversations in which you shared ideas around photography, performance, and book publishing and your insights on ethical concerns around consent and privacy. Every conversation enriched me and pushed me to be courageous, vulnerable and honest in my writing and image-making process. Thank you is an understatement for you, Vijay.
Thank you, Baba and Mummy, for your love and care when I needed it the most. Thank you for the trust you have in me. Thank you for making my journey to RCA possible. Thank you for allowing me to drop out of NID when I had no logical reason for my decision. The last two years brought me closer to my parents for our open and sensitive conversations throughout the journey. In fact, I am grateful for the events that took place in the last two years, which brought me closer to my parents. For the first time, I was opening up with them about friendship, romantic feelings, love, sex, marriage, caste system, conditioning, patriarchy, rape, sexual abuse, violence, mental health, trauma, death, funeral, therapy and healing. More than the final outcomes, the intimate conversations made the project worth it.